How many parents have found themselves in deep negotiation with their 2-year-old over whether she can wear her princess costume to preschool for the fifth day in a row? What parent has not, at one time or another, taken a "walk of shame" out of the local supermarket after their toddler threw a temper tantrum on the floor?
Toddlerhood is a particularly vexing time for parents because this is the age at which children start to become more independent and discover themselves as individuals. Yet they still have a limited ability to communicate and reason.
"They understand that their actions matter -- they can make things happen," says Claire Lerner, LCSW-C, child development specialist and director of parenting resources for the organization Zero to Three. "This leads them to want to make their imprint on the world and assert themselves in a way they didn't when they were a baby. The problem is they have very little self-control and they're not rational thinkers. It's a very challenging combination."
So how do you deal with a child who screams every time you try to give him or her a bath, and whose vocabulary seems to consist of just one word -- "no"?
Here are a few simple toddler discipline strategies to help make life easier for both you and your child.
Toddler Discipline Secret No. 1: Be Consistent
Order and routine give young children a safe haven from what they view as an overwhelming and unpredictable world, says Lerner. "When there's some predictability and routine, it makes children feel much more safe and secure, and they tend to be much more behaved and calm because they know what to expect."
Try to keep to the same schedule every day. That means having consistent nap times, mealtimes, and bedtimes, as well as times when your toddler is free to just run around and have fun.
When you do have to make a change, it helps to warn your child in advance. Telling your child, "Aunt Jean is going to watch you tonight while Mommy and Daddy go out for a little bit" will prepare her for a slightly different routine, and will hopefully prevent a scene at bedtime.
Consistency is also important when it comes to discipline. When you say "no hitting" the first time your child smacks another child on the playground, you also need to say "no hitting" the second, third, and fourth times your child does it.
Toddler Discipline Secret No. 2: Avoid Stressful Situations
By the time children reach the toddler stage, you've spent enough time with them to know their triggers. The most common ones are hunger, sleepiness, and quick changes of venue. With a little advance planning, you can avoid these potential meltdown scenarios and keep things relatively calm.
"You have to anticipate, which means you don't go to the grocery store when your child needs a nap," says Lisa Asta, MD, a pediatrician in Walnut Creek, Calif., and associate clinical professor of pediatrics at the University of California, San Francisco.
Try to make sure your child is home at naptimes, bedtimes, and mealtimes. If you are out, always keep food on hand in case of a sudden hunger attack. Keep excursions short (that means finding another restaurant if the one you've chosen has an hour-long wait, or doing your grocery shopping at times when the lines are shortest). Finally, plan ahead so you don't have to rush (particularly when you need to get your child to preschool and yourself to work in the mornings).
You can ease transitions by involving your child in the process. That can be as simple as setting an egg timer for five minutes, and saying that when it rings it's time to take a bath or get dressed, or giving your child a choice of whether to wear the red shirt or the blue shirt to school.
Toddler Discipline Secret No. 3: Think Like a Toddler
Toddlers aren't mini-adults. They have trouble understanding many of the things we take for granted, like how to follow directions and behave appropriately. Seeing the scenario from a toddler's perspective can help prevent a tantrum.
"You might say, 'I know, Derek, you don't like getting into the car seat ... but it's what we have to do,'" Lerner explains. "So you're not coddling, but you're validating their feelings. You have to set the limit, but you do it in a way that respects the child and you use it as an opportunity to help them learn to cope with life's frustrations and rules and regulations."
Giving choices also shows that you respect your toddler and recognize the child's feelings. Asking your child if he or she wants to bring a favorite book in the car, or take along a snack, can make the child feel as though he or she has some control over the situation while you remain in charge, Lerner says.
Toddler Discipline Secret No. 4: Practice the Art of Distraction
Make your toddler's short attention span work for you. When your child throws the ball against the dining room wall for the 10th time after you've said to stop, it's pretty easy to redirect your child to a more productive activity, like trading the ball for a favorite book or moving the game outside.
"[Parents] need to create an environment that is most conducive to good toddler behavior," advises Rex Forehand, PhD, the Heinz and Rowena Ansbacher Professor of Psychology at the University of Vermont and author of Parenting the Strong-Willed Child. "If they're into something they're not supposed to do, the idea is not to punish them but to get another activity going or pick them up and put them in another room."
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Toddler Discipline Secret No. 5: Give Your Child a Break
Time-outs are one of the foundations of child discipline, but they may not be the best approach for the toddler stage. The negative implication of being sent away can teach kids that they're bad, rather than promote good behavior.
If you do give your child a time-out, limit it to just a minute or two at this age. Instead of calling it a time-out, which can be confusing to children under 3, refer to it as something more positive.
Lerner suggests creating a "cozy corner," a safe place, free from distractions and stimulation, where your child can just chill out for a few minutes until he or she can get back in control. That time away can help you regroup, as well.
Correct bad behaviors, but also take the time to praise good behaviors. "If you don't tell your child when they're doing the right thing, sometimes they'll do the wrong thing just to get attention," Asta says. When you tell your toddler he or she has done something good, there's a good chance your child will want to do it again.
Toddler Discipline Secret No. 6: Stay Calm
When you're standing in the middle of the mall, looking down at your child who's screaming on the floor, and trying to ignore the stares of the shoppers around you, it's easy for your blood pressure to reach the boiling point. It's hard to stay calm, but losing control will quickly escalate an already stressful situation. Give yourself some time to cool off, advises Forehand. "Otherwise, you're venting your own anger. In the end that's going to make you as a parent feel worse and guilty, and it's not going to do your child any good."
"I call it the "Stepford Wife" approach," Lerner says. As your child screams, say, 'I know, I know,' but stay completely calm as you pick him up. Don't show any emotion.
Sometimes the best tactic is to ignore the behavior entirely. "You just literally act like they're not doing what they're doing. You ignore the behavior you want to stop," Lerner says. When your child realizes that his screaming fit is not going to get him a second lollipop or your attention, eventually he'll get tired of yelling.
Your child may drive you so close to the breaking point that you're tempted to spank him, but most experts warn against the practice. "When we spank, kids learn that physical punishment is acceptable. And so we are modeling exactly what we don't want our kids to do," says Forehand. At the toddler stage, redirection and brief breaks are far more effective discipline tactics, Forehand says.
Toddler Discipline Secret No. 7: Know When to Give In
Certain things in a toddler's life are nonnegotiable. She has to eat, brush her teeth, and ride in a car seat. She also has to take baths once in a while. Hitting and biting are never OK. But many other issues aren't worth the headache of an argument. Pick your battles.
"You have to decide whether it's worth fighting about, and about half the time it's not worth fighting about," Asta says. That means it's OK to let your son wear his superhero costume to the grocery store, or read The Giving Tree 10 times in a row. Once he gets what he wants, you can gradually get him to shift in another direction -- like wearing another outfit or picking out a different book to read.
Finally, know that it's OK to feel stressed out by your toddler sometimes. "Realize that none of us as parents is perfect -- we do the best we can. There are going to be days that we're better at this than other days," Forehand says. "But if we parent consistently and have consistent rules, then we're going to see more good days than bad days."
Friday, July 30, 2010
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Talking to Children About Death
Death is often a very difficult subject for parents to discuss with their children. It is natural for parents to want to protect their children from the pain and sadness that is associated with the topic of death. Many parents don't want to bring up such an unhappy subject with their children unless they absolutely have to. Unfortunately, a time will come when children must face the loss of a loved one. It is at this time that parents must provide caring, support, and answers to the many questions their children will have.
Many parents simply don't know how to explain death to their children. Finding the right words and the right answers to all of the questions children have about death is not an easy task for any parent.
Instead of waiting until a tragedy occurs to talk about death, it is a good idea for parents to discuss death with their children before it hits close to home. Parents can use examples in nature like falling leaves, a funeral procession, or a dead bird to bring up and discuss the subject of death. Such discussions will help children get used to the idea that death happens before a tragedy occurs.
When a Death Occurs
Discussing Death with Children
*Warn children of grave illnesses. If a family member or close friend is seriously ill, parents should discuss it with their children before death occurs. Then, if a death does occur, children will be prepared and the event will not be a complete surprise. Also, when there is a serious illness in the family, children can often sense that something unusual is taking place. The atmosphere of sadness in the home can be very frightening for children. It is, therefore, very important for parents to explain to their children what is going on and why they are sad and acting differently.
*Talk to children soon after a death occurs. It may be tempting to put off telling children about the death of a loved one simply to save them from sadness, but children must go through the grieving process just as adults must. The sooner children are informed the sooner they can begin to deal with the loss. Speaking with children quickly also ensures that parents will be the ones discussing the death with their children, instead of someone else.
*Define "dead" in clear and simple terms. Parents should explain to their children what dead means. They should make sure their children know that the dead person won't be able to do any of the things he or she once did, like walk, talk, or breathe.
*Avoid casual explanations. Telling children that someone died because he was sick may lead them to believe that they themselves will also die when they are sick. It is very important, too, that parents not equate death with going to sleep. Telling children that "Grandma went to sleep and will not wake up" or something similar will likely cause children to be afraid to go to sleep for fear that they will never wake up. Adults understand expressions like "passed away" and "gone to heaven," but these are very confusing expressions for children. For the most part, religious explanations are very confusing to children. DO use words like "dead," "stopped working," and "wore out." These are simple words that help establish the fact that the body is biologically dead.
*Fit the explanation to the children. Parents should consider their children's level of development and what they already know about death before talking to their children about death. Parents should put their explanations into words that their children can understand and they should keep it simple. Parents should tell their children the facts and let them know they're available to answer any questions. Children's understanding about death depends on their level of development:
>Two to six year olds. Children between the ages of two and six usually do not understand the finality of death. To them, death is something temporary or reversible. Many children this age may appear unaffected by the death of a loved one. This may be because they actually believe that the deceased person will return. Some children in this age range may take responsibility for death. They may believe that they did something to cause the death. It's important for parents to ask questions to determine feelings of responsibility and then to provide reassurance.
>Six to nine year olds. Around the age of six most children begin to understand that death is a final thing; though this understanding is not complete. For example, children this age may see death as something that only happens to old people or to other people. Children may not be able to accept the fact that death happens to everyone.
>Nine to twelve year olds. Some children in this age group may still take responsibility for the death of someone else. Understanding is increasing, and children in this age range can probably handle most of the information given to an adult. Parents should remember, though, that children under stress will often regress. Therefore, some children may not be able to handle all of the details.
>Teens. By the time children reach the teenage years, they probably understand death and its finality as well as an adult. They usually realize the finality and irreversibility of death. Even though they have this understanding, they still need lots of support from parents and loved ones.
*Be honest. Even children as young as three can sense when something is going on in their household. They can also sense when someone is not telling them the whole truth. If children have been given an inadequate explanation and sense a cover up, they'll figure that they're dealing with something scary and unknown. They may even create a wild fantasy about what is happening that is much worse than the facts. Attempts by parents to avoid telling their children about a death usually backfire.
*Encourage questions. Parents should let their children know that they will try to answer any questions that their children may have and will answer them honestly. Parents should also let their children know that they're available to answer any questions that might come up later.
**Information from Center For Effective Parenting.
Many parents simply don't know how to explain death to their children. Finding the right words and the right answers to all of the questions children have about death is not an easy task for any parent.
Instead of waiting until a tragedy occurs to talk about death, it is a good idea for parents to discuss death with their children before it hits close to home. Parents can use examples in nature like falling leaves, a funeral procession, or a dead bird to bring up and discuss the subject of death. Such discussions will help children get used to the idea that death happens before a tragedy occurs.
When a Death Occurs
Discussing Death with Children
*Warn children of grave illnesses. If a family member or close friend is seriously ill, parents should discuss it with their children before death occurs. Then, if a death does occur, children will be prepared and the event will not be a complete surprise. Also, when there is a serious illness in the family, children can often sense that something unusual is taking place. The atmosphere of sadness in the home can be very frightening for children. It is, therefore, very important for parents to explain to their children what is going on and why they are sad and acting differently.
*Talk to children soon after a death occurs. It may be tempting to put off telling children about the death of a loved one simply to save them from sadness, but children must go through the grieving process just as adults must. The sooner children are informed the sooner they can begin to deal with the loss. Speaking with children quickly also ensures that parents will be the ones discussing the death with their children, instead of someone else.
*Define "dead" in clear and simple terms. Parents should explain to their children what dead means. They should make sure their children know that the dead person won't be able to do any of the things he or she once did, like walk, talk, or breathe.
*Avoid casual explanations. Telling children that someone died because he was sick may lead them to believe that they themselves will also die when they are sick. It is very important, too, that parents not equate death with going to sleep. Telling children that "Grandma went to sleep and will not wake up" or something similar will likely cause children to be afraid to go to sleep for fear that they will never wake up. Adults understand expressions like "passed away" and "gone to heaven," but these are very confusing expressions for children. For the most part, religious explanations are very confusing to children. DO use words like "dead," "stopped working," and "wore out." These are simple words that help establish the fact that the body is biologically dead.
*Fit the explanation to the children. Parents should consider their children's level of development and what they already know about death before talking to their children about death. Parents should put their explanations into words that their children can understand and they should keep it simple. Parents should tell their children the facts and let them know they're available to answer any questions. Children's understanding about death depends on their level of development:
>Two to six year olds. Children between the ages of two and six usually do not understand the finality of death. To them, death is something temporary or reversible. Many children this age may appear unaffected by the death of a loved one. This may be because they actually believe that the deceased person will return. Some children in this age range may take responsibility for death. They may believe that they did something to cause the death. It's important for parents to ask questions to determine feelings of responsibility and then to provide reassurance.
>Six to nine year olds. Around the age of six most children begin to understand that death is a final thing; though this understanding is not complete. For example, children this age may see death as something that only happens to old people or to other people. Children may not be able to accept the fact that death happens to everyone.
>Nine to twelve year olds. Some children in this age group may still take responsibility for the death of someone else. Understanding is increasing, and children in this age range can probably handle most of the information given to an adult. Parents should remember, though, that children under stress will often regress. Therefore, some children may not be able to handle all of the details.
>Teens. By the time children reach the teenage years, they probably understand death and its finality as well as an adult. They usually realize the finality and irreversibility of death. Even though they have this understanding, they still need lots of support from parents and loved ones.
*Be honest. Even children as young as three can sense when something is going on in their household. They can also sense when someone is not telling them the whole truth. If children have been given an inadequate explanation and sense a cover up, they'll figure that they're dealing with something scary and unknown. They may even create a wild fantasy about what is happening that is much worse than the facts. Attempts by parents to avoid telling their children about a death usually backfire.
*Encourage questions. Parents should let their children know that they will try to answer any questions that their children may have and will answer them honestly. Parents should also let their children know that they're available to answer any questions that might come up later.
**Information from Center For Effective Parenting.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Grandparents Raising Grandchildren
Quick Facts...
Today's grandparent is more involved in "kinship care" than ever before.
When a grandparent fills a parent role, particularly when the parent is present, the lines of family authority tend to become confused in the child's mind.
Do not attempt to get grandchildren to take sides in their parents' divorce.
If a recently divorced in-law feels that weekly visits by the former spouse's parents are too difficult to manage for the moment, the grandparents should, in most instances, not argue.
Parenting a grandchild may require such resources as child-care, insurance, social security benefits, and interactions with other grandparents in similar circumstances.
An increasing number of births to unmarried teen mothers, a high divorce rate, and epidemics of HIV/AIDS, Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, and illegal drug (especially methamphetamine) use leave many children orphaned, or with parents unable to care for them.
Tips for Grandparents Raising Grandchildren
Following are some tips for grandparents to nurture grandchildren in a caregiving role:
With younger grandchildren, read to them everyday.
Help grandchildren practice safety by providing needed equipment and role-modeling behaviors like always buckling seat belts.
Keep immunizations up-to-date.
Provide nutritious foods.
Set a good example by calmly working out disputes, especially with the grandchild’s parents.
Monitor television, movie, music, and computer use by grandchildren.
If a grandchild has special needs, seek out services as soon as possible.
Make the grandchild feel loved and important.
Internet Resources
Administration on Aging is the federal government agency offering resources for grandparents raising grandchildren: www.aoa.gov/prof/notes/Docs/Grandparents_Raising_Grandchildren.pdf
AARP Grandparent Information Center provides a wide variety of resources for grandparents, as well as technical support materials to community-based groups and service agencies working with grandparents: www.aarp.org/families/grandparents
American Bar Association’s Center for Children and Law can provide answers to legal aspects of raising grandchildren: www.abanet.org/child/home.html
Today's grandparent is more involved in "kinship care" than ever before.
When a grandparent fills a parent role, particularly when the parent is present, the lines of family authority tend to become confused in the child's mind.
Do not attempt to get grandchildren to take sides in their parents' divorce.
If a recently divorced in-law feels that weekly visits by the former spouse's parents are too difficult to manage for the moment, the grandparents should, in most instances, not argue.
Parenting a grandchild may require such resources as child-care, insurance, social security benefits, and interactions with other grandparents in similar circumstances.
An increasing number of births to unmarried teen mothers, a high divorce rate, and epidemics of HIV/AIDS, Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, and illegal drug (especially methamphetamine) use leave many children orphaned, or with parents unable to care for them.
Tips for Grandparents Raising Grandchildren
Following are some tips for grandparents to nurture grandchildren in a caregiving role:
With younger grandchildren, read to them everyday.
Help grandchildren practice safety by providing needed equipment and role-modeling behaviors like always buckling seat belts.
Keep immunizations up-to-date.
Provide nutritious foods.
Set a good example by calmly working out disputes, especially with the grandchild’s parents.
Monitor television, movie, music, and computer use by grandchildren.
If a grandchild has special needs, seek out services as soon as possible.
Make the grandchild feel loved and important.
Internet Resources
Administration on Aging is the federal government agency offering resources for grandparents raising grandchildren: www.aoa.gov/prof/notes/Docs/Grandparents_Raising_Grandchildren.pdf
AARP Grandparent Information Center provides a wide variety of resources for grandparents, as well as technical support materials to community-based groups and service agencies working with grandparents: www.aarp.org/families/grandparents
American Bar Association’s Center for Children and Law can provide answers to legal aspects of raising grandchildren: www.abanet.org/child/home.html
Friday, March 26, 2010
To Tell The Truth
Well, my 16 year old son, bless his heart had an art assignment to draw a dinosaur and include background from various perspectives and such. So I kept on him about "Have you finished your dinosaur?" "Oh ga, Mama, it's not due til Friday," he would say. So I kept on him. Today on the way to school I asked him about it again. He at first lied and said that he had finished it and when I asked him to see it he fessed up that he had not yet completed it. I told him that by golly that better be done by the time art class rolls around.
So about 1pm I texted him, since that is the communication mode of teenagers, and asked him if he was done and to tell me the truth. Typically I get a response immediately from him when I text but it took about an hour and a half and he sent me the simple response of "Yes". I suppose in that 90 minutes he was drawing like a mad man but hey, at least he did it and didn't lie about it.
Moral of the story-Children will lie to their parents it is up to us to know this and stay one step ahead of them and demand honesty.
So about 1pm I texted him, since that is the communication mode of teenagers, and asked him if he was done and to tell me the truth. Typically I get a response immediately from him when I text but it took about an hour and a half and he sent me the simple response of "Yes". I suppose in that 90 minutes he was drawing like a mad man but hey, at least he did it and didn't lie about it.
Moral of the story-Children will lie to their parents it is up to us to know this and stay one step ahead of them and demand honesty.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Awesome Love and Logic Advice!!
Have you ever met an impatient adult who demanded to be served without ever having to wait? As a teenager and young adult, I worked a few restaurant jobs where I really got to see the long-term results of poor parenting in some of our impatient patrons. Years later as a psychologist, I met many couples whose on-going marital conflict had a lot to do with the fact that they never learned to delay gratification as kids. On the highways of life, how many times do we see impatient people risk their lives - and the lives of many others - by trying to get just one car length ahead?
Are you giving your kids enough practice waiting? Or, have you fallen into the habit of serving them quickly to avoid a fit? Using behavioral conditioning, many children train their parents to jump to their every whim. They do this by gradually increasing the frequency and intensity of the punishment they provide when their parents don't move fast enough to meet their demands. As you well know, this "punishment" comes in the form of constantly repeating the same demand, whining, yelling, screaming, or even hitting.
Wise parents avoid this trap by setting solid limits:
• I'll get that for you after I've seen you wait patiently.
• I do things for kids who aren't being pushy and demanding.
• You may have that when you've earned it.
Wise parents also remember:
The more I appease my child when he is young, the nastier and unhappier he will be as an adult.
If your kids have already become a bit too demanding and argumentative, learn how to put an end to this manipulation by reading Love and Logic Magic: When Kids Leave You Speechless.
Are you giving your kids enough practice waiting? Or, have you fallen into the habit of serving them quickly to avoid a fit? Using behavioral conditioning, many children train their parents to jump to their every whim. They do this by gradually increasing the frequency and intensity of the punishment they provide when their parents don't move fast enough to meet their demands. As you well know, this "punishment" comes in the form of constantly repeating the same demand, whining, yelling, screaming, or even hitting.
Wise parents avoid this trap by setting solid limits:
• I'll get that for you after I've seen you wait patiently.
• I do things for kids who aren't being pushy and demanding.
• You may have that when you've earned it.
Wise parents also remember:
The more I appease my child when he is young, the nastier and unhappier he will be as an adult.
If your kids have already become a bit too demanding and argumentative, learn how to put an end to this manipulation by reading Love and Logic Magic: When Kids Leave You Speechless.
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